Kids on a Plane

It’s a much discussed topic when it comes to travelling on aeroplanes and most people have an opinion on the subject. What your opinion is may depend on whether you have or have ever had children and if you have, whether you choose or chose to travel with them.

Some people are of the opinion that we were all children once, most of us have travelled as a family at some point and it is just something that everybody has to expect. Other people’s lives are at a different stage to yours.

On the other hand some people favour adult only flights. Some airlines who use the two decked A380 allocate one of the decks as a family deck, keeping the other child free.

I guess there are some people who would ban children from flights altogether, but I’ve yet to meet someone with that strong a view.

I think most people agree that there has to be a sliding scale of expectation depending on how old the child is. If the child is a babe in arms then we must expect that there is very little you can do to control when they feel the need to make noise. However, if the child is three or above then there should be some expectation that the parent should be able to keep them under control a little bit better. Or am I being too harsh now? Both of mine were impeccably behaved on flights from the age of three, not thanks to me, rather thanks to Steve Jobs and his wonderful iPad.

I’ve seen countless incidents on flights where people have become annoyed at the noises children make. Some people get annoyed before a child even makes a noise and throw a stop just because they are sitting within three rows of a baby. I’ve even witnessed people strop out on a two hour trip to Spain! Seriously, you can’t put up with baby noise for two hours?!

Let’s be clear again, I’m talking about noises made by babies, not shouting toddlers or kids whose stupid/useless parents let them kick and grab at your seat throughout a flight. Or people who keep their kids quiet by letting them play with the bloody table, flipping it up and down whist you slowly lose your mind in front.

Babies who don’t understand language or reasoning, babies who don’t know when it’s night or day on a long haul flight, babies who communicate through loud noises when they’re hungry, tired, happy or sad.

I had an instance of passenger rage directed at one of my children. When H, my youngest, was nine months old we took him and a three year old T to Australia. We have friends there and we wanted to take advantage of my wife’s maternity leave and the fact that T had yet to start school. We felt a five week trip would be something we’d never be able to enjoy again with our kids. Hence we took the brave/stupid step to take two very small children around the world.

We had the time so we decided to split the journey up, spending two days either side in Kuala Lumpur. Hopefully this would make the journey that little bit less harsh.

The first leg from London to Kuala Lumpur was 13 hours. T was happy with his iPad and we were happy to let him watch and sleep, watch and sleep as he felt the need. He was as good as gold.

H stayed awake feeding for an hour then fell asleep. We were the luckiest parents in the world, he slept for a full nine hours. When he awoke we made a fuss, telling him what a good boy he was. He knew how happy we were with him which made him happy, he let out a large squeal of delight.

“For God’s sake shut that baby up…”

She was now looking the other way but I knew exactly who had said it. The miserable cow who gave us daggers when we got on the plane first (because we had kids) and then gave us daggers when she realised she was sitting across the aisle from us.

My wife hadn’t heard it but I had, very clearly.

I got up and walked over. The seat in the aisle was free, the next seat was taken up by who I assumed to be her husband and she was sitting by the window.

I put both my hands on the arm of her husband’s chair and leaned over him so my face was as near to her as I could reach.

“Excuse me?” I said, remaining as calm as possible. This is very difficult for me, I am very protective of my children, I am a very nervous flyer, I am naturally short tempered.

She looked round at me, “These flights cost a lot of money and we don’t want it ruined by your kid.”

I was fairly proud of my response, it was more measured than I could have hoped. “These flights don’t cost a lot of money love, if they did, people like you wouldn’t be able to afford them.”

In this context my reply doesn’t make much sense but I had hit the nail right on her head. In an instant I had identified her as a pompous Hyacinth Bucket (bouquet) kind of character and I was spot on. She shut up immediately, lips puckered like a rectum. Her husband looked like this wasn’t the first time she’d been a bitch.

I pushed myself back into the aisle. I then got a tap on my shoulder. I turned round to see a big Aussie bloke from the row in front standing there. He smiled and held out his hand.

“Well done mate, that was awesome, your kid’s alright!”

That kind of ended the incident on a happy note. I would have been sitting there paranoid that the rest of the flight felt like this woman. Instead he made me feel very happy and proud of the way I’d handled it. I thanked him and sat back down.

What are your thoughts? Any particularly nasty encounters with people moaning about your kids on a plane? Been affected by bad behaviour by kids on a plane? Let me know in the comments below?

 

Lads Weekends for Fathers

One of my best mates has just invited me on a lads weekend away. To be specific he’s asked if I want to fly out to Spain on a Friday afternoon and come back Sunday. I’m struggling with a few things. Is it appropriate for me to go, is it something I really want to do anyway?!

Let me put some context round it. As I said one person is one of my best friends from school and an ex business partner, so I know him very well. He isn’t single, lives with his girlfriend but he has no kids, has no intention of having kids and I’m not sure if he even likes kids? Three of the other people going are people who I would say I’m friends with, we get on well and I invited them to my birthday party in the summer but I can honestly say that I’ve never rung any of them or even been out with any of them individually. I like them but they are not what you would call, my mates. The last person going out I have never heard of or met.

We’re going out to see another bloke who runs a bar in southern Spain and the plan is to stay in his flat. The five people mentioned above are all close mates with him, I am not. I don’t dislike the guy but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me. I’m not sure of the reason, I’ve never really been bothered enough to find out. We’re very courteous when we see each other don’t get me wrong, but there is a weird vibe.

The other thing to be aware of is that my wife has given the green light! That could be the most worrying thing of all! As blokes we all know that when a woman says, “Go ahead…” it’s definitely not giving you permission, it’s half a dare and half wanting to see you make the right decision. It’s the classic giving you enough rope to hang yourself situation.

I didn’t beg or try to persuade her, she just told me to go ahead straight away. If you beg to go and she eventually says, “OK” then you are in even more trouble my friend. If she appears to have given in at the end of a long row/discussion by saying “OK” then that means that if you should choose to take that path, then she will be thinking long and hard about how you can pay for it afterwards. Thankfully that’s not the situation here.

To be fair she has said that because I spend so much of my time at home looking after the kids then I should go out and enjoy myself, so in this case I think I do have permission. With the caveat of course that if I do go then it can be thrown in my face in any argument in the future regardless.

When I’m talking about appropriateness I’m lucky enough to not be talking about money. We can afford for me to go and it’s not going to eat into kids/family budgets. Besides at this time of year the flights are only £80 and I’m not going to be paying for accommodation so it’s hardly a trip to Vegas.

Yes it would seem that I am going away and enjoying myself whilst she looks after the kids all weekend after a full week at work, but this opportunity has come up for her before and she has turned it down. I have given the green light when the opportunities have arisen for her and I was completely genuine about it. Her friends with kids have gone away multiple times but she has always said no. She says she works all week and doesn’t see enough of the kids as it is, that’s fair enough, she works far longer hours than any of her friends, all of whom would probably be considered the primary carers in their family lives.

Should I consider leaving my family at all for frivolous reasons, even just for two nights? Well yes quite frankly. That’s not a consideration, having kids is a massive responsibility and number one priority but life is for enjoying for everyone, if you don’t get a break from the norm you go crazy.

If this was a stag do then there wouldn’t be any thought going into it. I’d be there no matter where it was. Stag dos are sacrosanct, we both know that, but unfortunately at our age stag dos and hen dos are few and far between.

If it was just a couple of nights away in the UK it probably wouldn’t be a discussion either. For example if we were going up to Manchester to see a band or watch the cricket then I would be there like a shot. Moneywise it would probably be more expensive considering how much it costs to travel by train in this country.

My last consideration is can I be bothered. It isn’t a special occasion, it isn’t a group of my close friends going. To be honest I think the answer is no, I really can’t be arsed anyway!