My four year old has finally started school. He was more than ready and his confident stroll in without looking back on his first day gave me the full confidence that he was going to do fine!
His teacher is very nice, to make this story less embarrassing (for her in case she ever read this) let’s call her Miss Smith. Now Miss Smith is in her early twenties and in her third year of teaching. Her first year was spent teaching my eldest in year one and we were very pleased with how he got on that year. Also, Miss Smith is hot. As I am now forty there is no way to say that that doesn’t sound pervy. It’s just that out of all the teachers in the school she is noticeably the hottest. It wasn’t just me, all of a sudden I had a lot more dads to talk to at school pick up time…
It would of course be completely inappropriate for me to convey that I think Miss Smith is hot to either of my boys of four and seven. They wouldn’t understand at this age. However, I was tricked by H into revealing the tiniest piece of my thoughts on the subject, a lapse I now regret.
I should reveal at this stage that four year old H is a ladies man. He’s a bit of a lad and loves playing rough with the boys but if a big girl comes along his head is turned and he spends all his time trying to impress them. This manifests itself in the most part as him being a bit of a ‘mummy’s boy’. He’s absolutely obsessed with his mummy, bringing her presents, calling her a princess and taking the opportunity for a cuddle every five minutes.
At nursery he was consumed with getting a ‘Superstar’ rating every day, the rating they achieve if they have gone out of their way to be good that day. If he didn’t get noticed for being good then he would make sure that they knew.
“Charlotte, I’ve tidied the home corner”
“OK H, but you did that yesterday”.
So the next day he would try something new.
“Alice, I’ve put all the books back on the bookshelf”
“OK H, but there was only three books on the floor, I don’t think that warrants you being a superstar”.
But then he cracked it.
“Kirsty, I’ve put all the dressing up clothes back into the box. Also, you look very beautiful today.”
So with this in mind the following conversation wasn’t a surprise.
“Daddy, Miss Smith is very nice.”
“Yes, she is H.”
“Daddy, Miss Smith is very pretty.”
“Yes, she is H.”
That was it. I had hardly gone over the top, merely agreed with the opinion of a big girl obsessed four year old.
The next day I dropped H at the school gates. It was the first day he had to walk into the main gates and make his own way to his classroom. I put his huge book bag on his shoulder, kissed him on the cheek, gave him a hug and whispered in his ear.
“See you later matey, have a great day at school”
He turned and took a few steps towards the gate, then he turned and said.
“Oh, by the way daddy, I told Miss Smith how pretty you think she is.”
Shit. H’s teacher thinks I’m an old pervert.
I did share this info on my Facebook page to much laughter and piss taking.
“Is lingerie inappropriate to give as an end of term gift?”, was probably my favourite.
“It’s going to make parents evening a bit awkward”, was another comment.
No it’s bloody not, it’s going to make school pick up time bloody awkward, in four hours time! Then it’s going to make every pick up on every day awkward. When parents evening comes round it will be beyond awkward!
I have to admit that I’ve not been completely honest at this point. It isn’t the first time I’ve been embarrassed in front of Miss Smith although it is the first time it wasn’t my fault. When T was in her glass he had a gymnastics lesson after school which meant a later pick up. As he was getting changed he excitedly told me that Miss Smith’s dog had had babies and that she had brought them in to show the class. Just then Miss Smith walked through the hall where T was getting changed and said ‘hello”.
“Hi” I said, “T was just telling me how much he enjoyed his day”.
“Oh that’s lovely” she said “Yes I showed the class my puppies today and they loved it.”
The snigger rose up like a volcano, I tried to suppress it but it teared up the back of my throat and roared out of my nose before I could help it. The noise lasted a millisecond but it was enough for a chest tightening awkward moment.
“That does sound like a good day” I finally croaked.
After the latest slip the only option for me now of course is to emigrate.